In My Feelings…


“Lying on my bed, it’s a bummer ’cause I didn’t call when I got your number but I liked you alot.” White Mustang

Lana Del Rey is always the soundtrack to really pensive moods pertaining to love and other shit things.


I remember I used to write on an online journal that only my ex significant other could see.  He often referred to it as “highschool drama bullshit” but I didn’t see it that way.  I thought it was special I’d write my thoughts out about him constantly.  I thought it was special that I had constant thoughts about him.  But I suppose my desire for his exclusive and undivided attention translated to me wanting everyone’s attention, though he was the only one that could see that journal.

Sometimes people are not aware of how they can cause minor trauma to others.  This discouraged me from ever dedicating any kind of written word to any single person again.

That is kind of sad, don’t you think?  It is sad that now if I run into someone who would appreciate that, they will never know they would appreciate it or like this idea because of someone prior to them.

But why would I allow this if I am aware of this chain reaction? Why do we allow past individuals to influence our decisions pertaining to future individuals?  Humans all function differently. You will never come across someone who is exactly like someone else.  Even identical twins that tend to do things the same.  Even they are different in their own ways.

Humans are different.

We aren’t like dogs.  If you get a husky, you’ll probably hear another husky owner say “Well, jeez, be ready for their stubborn attitudes!” Or if you get a sphinx cat you’ll hear someone say “Damn, aren’t they all really cold most of the time?”

But with a human, you won’t really hear someone say “Oh, you’re dating an Amanda? Watch out for her intense love of apples.”  Or whatever the hell.

No one says that.  We are all different.

So even when we have a deep understanding of this concept, why is that we still allow the past to intervene and, in many instances, interrupt our present AND future?

That is a provoking question.  A question I once thought I had the answer to.

Most people say once you leave someone that has characteristics you do not like, it makes dating easier due to the experience of knowing what you like and dislike now.

But does this knowledge really make dating easier?  I am learning that it does not make anything easier.  If anything, it just confuses the hell out of someone.

Do we leave someone when they do something we do not like but do other things we do like? Do we sit them down and outline everything you do not want them to do? I’ll bring my pointer.

But wait

All that sounds so… unreasonable. And like a huge turn off, too.  What a way to ruin someone’s mojo.

So, why am I here writing this?
Well, I think it is because I am sitting wondering if I am causing trauma to someone.  Are the things I say, the things I carry from my past, the things I do linking the unfortunate links that make this never ending ugly chain?

How do we stop the unnecessary bullshit we put other people through?

As always, the only thing we can do is really just turn to ourselves and ask:

Am I healthy enough to be here trying to take care of someone else?  Is my heart ready to take in someone else’s heart?  Am I capable of laying a strong foundation with someone after I have experienced shattering foundation prior to this?

Let’s face it, we aren’t all completely stupid.

We more than likely know the answers to these questions.

It’s up to you to be brave enough to answer them and be honest with YOURSELF. If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can you be honest to someone who deserves your honesty?

That’s really all I got tonight, folks.


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